There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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