my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
