i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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