I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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