did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
