I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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