I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
