On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
