You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
