The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
