ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
