The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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