my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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