I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
