You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
