is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
