What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
