So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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