Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
