I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
