Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
