and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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