just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
