Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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