Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
