Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
