I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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