it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
