whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
