Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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