I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
