it's not cheating when I paid for it
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
