i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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