Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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