cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Randomize
