I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
