how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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