a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
