I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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