ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
