Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
