i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
