You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
