I want you more than these girls want KFC
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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