Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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