Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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