No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
