If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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