The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
