we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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